une · existence · abritée

I haven't been very loyal to this thing; I thought I'd start blogging again due the surplus levels of anxiety that I've been coping with lately, but it seems to have contrary effects..I feel less inclined to talk about events when there is much going on. I guess it's overwhelming. I'd rather isolate myself, read some books and take in a few movies and sleep. Writing out or talking about my problems doesn't seem to help anymore because I've already been doing that for years. Thats not to say I haven't been getting better. I am still pretty much alone, but I'm not super reclusive or bitter or depressed that I haven't met wonderful people all the time. I think that I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with myself. Anyway, when I do spend time with people I don't mind, I feel the need to be alone afterwards and enjoy it.
After a month of pursuing that second chance with Nicholas, it seems that I finally won him over. His parents are prideful and too awkward/embarrassed to see me at all after what they did and it doesn't seem like they'll ever forgive me..at least any time soon. I know I am not the one completely at fault; they see someone quiet and assume they have ill intentions? Well thats their paranoia. They've never been at ease with me because of our differences. I think Nicholas is okay with being with me while his parents arent too enthused..so thats fine. I'm still not overly comfortable because I know there is a chance that he won't come with me across the country. If he remains here, it will be for at least two years and I know much will change. And for me to finally get out of here and move back..that seems like too much. Argh...but I've done everything I could possibly do. I cannot control his descisions..so I'll just have to deal with whatever happens. He says he'll not go to Halifax for the fall semester to await acceptance from the school in Vancouver at least. I see no reason why he wouldnt get in. I'll just have to wait and see.
Other than that, my jobs are fine..pretty slack for the most part. 24 hrs. at a store that sells flags with 3-10 customers per day, and 10-15 hrs. at a bakery. I guess moving back from Halifax wasnt all that bad. At least I have better work and dont have to pay rent living with my mother..as irritating as it can be. I've finally mastered cycling, but unfortunately encountered problems attaining my drivers liscense. I refuse to put in any more money just to use their company vehicle..I failed the test for touching a cone during parallel parking..the very first thing. Argh! Ah well. I can either learn standard and use my mothers car (standard seems to be quite a hastle downtown) or find someone..anyone willing to lend my their automatic. Blagh.
I've lost my porcelain white skin for the few times I've had to walk in the sun. :( It doesnt look that bad, but there is nothing beautiful about my skin anymore. Once you tan, it looks like there is no turning back to what it once was.
Hrm..and I went to a waterpark for the first time in 10 yrs.. it was fun. I have some photos to post later, I guess. I bought a non-grannyish bathing suit just for that day. I hope to go to the beach a few times this summer. I had hoped to go camping with him before the big fiasco..who knows, it may still happen.
Hes facepainting at the zoo nearby my place, so hes been staying nights with me around his shifts. I cant complain. He is working on a 4x8 ft. underwater scene in his parents garage..I caught a glimpse of it one day.

Hrm, well thats about it for now. I probably sound pretty dull..don't I? >_<; I should work on my writing.. speaking of which, can anyone possibly recommend me books similar to Kafkas and/or Haruki Murakamis style? Or just anything..a bit off, complex..but quite easy to get into? Thanks everyone, for your words. I think that once everything thats floating in the air comes to a conclusion, I'll definitely delve into LJ again. e__e

Though I've felt like pieces of me were dying throughout the months. I've been going through rough times, most notably since the morning of May 17th. After the devastating blow, I realized a lot about myself. I expect too much from people, and while I thought I was giving good advice to the one I love, I was actually controlling him and I'm sure I made it seem like I didnt appreciate him for who he was. I have pressured for too much change. I was too clingy and my happiness depended on him--I didnt have my own agenda. Granted, he could have been more assertive and took a more mature approach. I'm currently living with my mother, seperated from Nicholas, sad to say I have had to give away the puppy months ago and my cat too. I've set a few goals for myself and achieving them, and have very recently confirmed my enrollment at a culinary school across the country in Vancouver. I'm not sure whether I'll qualify for a student loan; for some reason my mother doesnt think so, but she says she'll send me to the school if I repay my debt afterwards. I'm not sure where the money will come from, but I guess I'll find out how it will work sometime this week. I have had my hopes let up many times, and still am over him...I don't know how many e-mails I've sent and all the tactics I've taken to try for that second chance. Just yesterday, he said that he really means to start over, but that was shortly after trying to convince me to let go of him. He has yet to confront his parents about everything who I know have great influence on his decisions...he says hes willing to deal with their opinions all summer..but I don't know. I've dealt with so much indecisiveness...people say I have given up all self-respect, dignity, and should try to get over him and go about my life. I strongly believe though, that we could be compatible if it werent for so many factors..first relationship, first time living together, parental dependency, misunderstandings, insecurities...so many things. My love remains unconditional no matter what he did that day. All I can do is wait and see...I hate to go to Vancouver all by myself, but no matter what, I can't stay here anymore. I've been ranting about this place ever since I've had LJ! So whatever happens, I'm going there with or without him...but I will think about him constantly...

I never wanted to see another mans penis. Sigh.

I told him that I wished there were other versions of him solely devoted to having sex..since he is a workaholic.

( some detail.. )

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. I can't remember everything, but they've often been taking on the role of someone I don't know, and what makes it a little eerie is how much detailed information I am conscious about while living through whichever body I'm in. It's as though I wake up as an entirely different person and don't remember who I am until (usually) half-way through the dream when I separate from the ailing womans body and watch how the story unfolds.

In one dream, I was this butchy looking girl with short, blonde hair who living somewhere in Australia who discovered this man about her age whom she was very attached to, but I forgot the relation. I ran and ran through tall, sticky grass which eventually began to hurt and discovered that he was "playing a game" as we called it. I don't know what on earth it was supposed to be, but there were series of narrow passageways in the form of a cylinder going underground, and only a portable-toilet looking structure stuck out of the surface. Underneath though, it looked like a boiler room kaleidoscope, a maze of oily piping everywhere. And I remember dragging open a steel door to see him unstrapping himself from a chair under a flickering light bulb that hung from an endless ceiling. It smelt of decay. I cannot recall all the details in between what I can remember of it next, but we were paddling furiously out to sea..the air was very swampy but bright, the sea was green and life savers were seen floating miles around us. Finally, we noticed a still cruise ship and very soon upon noticing it, came across a very old, skinny woman sailing around in a life saver with two much bigger men in black suits. We called over to her, but soon had to flee as she screamed (very horrifying sound) once having spotted us and began firing at us with some sort of portable canon. We plunged into the ocean and swam deeper and deeper..I didn't know when it would end--I thought I would explode, and I couldnt see through the opaque green. Finally we emerged from under that cloudy green substance into some clearer water at the bottom and was amazed to see a small gas station with a few self-service units and people using them. We swam quickly into the vacinity which looked like a bomb shelter inside. There were only a few scattered brick-sized windows. There was a woman inside who spoke to us and the dream continued on for a bit but I cannot recall the rest.

That one wasn't so scary as his mornings, though. I dreampt I was this woman in her late 20s - early thirties with a cloud of blonde hair. I think it was the 70s judging by the automobiles and hairstyles. Anyway, most of it ocurred in this very thick-walled building that went in spirals and was hard to determine where it began and ended. Everything was sealed tight, and the air was stale. The lighting, flooring and faded turquoise walls reminded me of an abandoned hospital. I remember trying to find a way out the first time, but gave up and walked back to my apartment room. I read about agent orange in the newspaper and read about a man named "Frederick Oldfield" in the obituaries..I don't quite remember the details, but I believe I recognized him as someone I previously spoke to at a soda shop as a child (not my own experience, but that woman who I became in the dream). Not before long, I heard the rattling of keys at the door and expected to see my husband..though I couldnt seem to put a face to who my husband was..and I could not remember a thing about him either. But when I saw this man, I somehow knew he wasnt my husband. He was of medium build, neatly dressed and blonde hair neatly coiffed. (Dont ask me why I have so many dreams about blonde people.) Anyway, I did not panic and pretended that I knew him to be mine as he acted to be mine. I scoured the apartment for evidence that he may actually be my husband, but nothing could be found..nor anything else familiar to me. I tried escaping through the door while be was in the bathroom..it had no knob, so I just launched myself against it a few times and tried desperately once more to find a way out of that building and finally did manage to get out. It was very sunny and dry...the neighborhood looked pleasant, what you would call a nice day, but I hate that kind of weather. I heard him catching up to me and I began to scream desperately to bring attention to the scene and suddenly a neighbor who had the same hair and similar attire as mine said she could hide me and motioned for me to hide in her garage which looked more like a stable inside. I hid behind a pole and witnessed an eerie conversation between her and the milkman and they appeared to have been whispering about me and glanced over at me every now and then. When the milkman left, the woman asked if I would like some milk, but I knew something was wrong as she snickered and walked back into her home. Of into the distance, I could see the milkman pointing in my direction. That man was there... he dragged me back into the apartment by the arm and once inside the room, threw me to the side and asked in this psycho-happy voice "Now why'd you gone and do that for, dear?" and I became conscious of the dream and watched the rest unveil before waking up and bothering Nicholas so much that he walked out of the room to sleep on the couch..he didnt bother to ask me what I was wimpering about, though.

My attempts to sleep were in vain..every few seconds came a mental picture of something disturbing. One of which was the head of what I presumed was Satan. It didnt look like traditional portrayals of the devil, but it was so frightening, that I figured it was him. It made a terrifying sound..I cannot explain it..and it delved up from the bottom of two oily bubbles which contained these dreams and emerged from the surface. The oil splatters contained fragments of dream sequences. Then I remember a rabbit eye glowing in the dark and I tried to pet it, but it screeched and turned its skin inside out. And another about being raped by a bunch of disgusting snail people with spiral tongues.

Other than the constant dreams, I've been awfully indulgent. We've been having sex on average once a day, and I've probably grossed him out or at least really annoyed him by my lustfulness. I bought two books by Sarah Dunant--judging them by their appealing covers. I should focus on other interests and take an oath not to have sex for a month, and maybe then, the quality of it all will increase.

I asked him to call me yesterday, but he didn't--I didn't really care about that since I knew he probably never memorized my new phone number. But he called this morning, I think I woke up from a nightmare (thats beside the point, but..) he called to apologize for not calling and said he would be somewhere working on his art all day, and if I'm really bored I could go to see him. I asked him if he could come to Sunday brunch, which happens to be on my birthday. He hesitated for a moment and replied that he "probably" could not because his parents decided to have Thanksgiving supper at lunch of all things. Then, the feeling of being shunned and second in importance sunk in, and I don't know if much of my sarcasm was even noticed by him, but I decided to test him and said things like, "well then, have fun". And when he did not even say anything about my birthday, I went on to say.. "so, I'll just see you in Halifax, then?" he didn't even really dignify a response to that! So I was blunt and said, "I'll be alone again this year." he said, "I'll try to come and see you." "You'll TRY?" "Yes, I'll try." "Why DO you even bother?" "Because it's your birthday..?" "Well, I love you and I'll talk t-" and I hung up.

And worst of all is, I bet he'll cope better with it than I will be. I wish he would come and embrace me right now...how sad, right? It's probably obvious how needy I am, but this is a selfish act, I guess. Still...I weasled my way out of the weekend shifts at work thinking that I wouldnt be alone. He should know this...I don't understand. And I don't understand why he is so eager to please family over me every time. I can't stand it!

Now I'm here wasting time at my mothers place. Maybe I'll just go into the woods for the erst of the day.

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Very Low
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Very Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

The gluttony/sloth results should be higher.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

A nice fruity fellow at a store told me that I could pull off Betty Boop for Halloween. But I look disturbing or "scary" to most people--thats what they say. Betty Boop is always cute. ( This is probably how my face usually looks like )


( and this is how he usually looks like.. )

Neither one of us has an active social life, all the same. But he easily gets along with people without "scaring" them. My only companions have always been reclusive boys, never girls past elementary. And more recently, it's only been sinister bravados attempting to break up my relationship with Nicholas.

Yesterday, we did not sleep until 4 AM, and my second time to witness him cry. Later this morning, I had a funny, but frustrating dream about discovering a severed human head in the apartment and trying in vain to dispose of it, thinking that authorities would give me a hard time. I ran to catch a bus, but the awkward, embalmed head slipped out of my hand and smashed against the pavement on a busy street. The cotton quickly soaked in blood and rolled down the sidewalk, followed by my erratic behaviour which led me to being assessed and incarcerated and I figured Nicholas' mother pursuaded him to end everything. I felt more embarrassed than anything. She always makes me feel embarrassed, knowing her opinions of me.

( So I got a fish. )

~~

I'm all settled in at my new appartment, sent out a few resumes, and was surprised to find work so quickly. I was, in fact, scheduled for training at two places tomorrow and had to decide on one place. I'd rather work at The Gingerbread Haus (always wanted to work at a bakery), but if they contact and hire me, I'll quit this job. We bought groceries, and I've concocted a few improvished dishes and today made our "one-time yearly trip" to the shopping centre (he hates shopping) and bought a few things there. Also applied for a library card and rented some free vids..woopee. So it's going well...I was enjoying my unemployment and was looking forward to reading a bunch of Haruki Murakami's books...but, oh well. Hope we dont drive each other insane..I'm afraid he may stop loving me because I am too distracting, or something.